Friday, April 16, 2010

In Which The Observer Confesses...

I've kept the emotional navel gazing to a minimum in this forum, but I have to confess that it's been a bit of a struggle lately to stay positive and keep a right picture of myself in my head. I tend towards the negative in myself, and can get in quite the negative cycle of seeing myself as pretty defective and lacking in what it takes to succeed in this tough world. I am still trying to make peace with the past, striking the proper balance between learning from and using for a spring board the mistakes, sins, goof ups, bad timings and open-mouth-insert-foot moments and revisiting all of the above and using them to convict myself of general worthlessness. The tapes tends towards worthlessness.

Yup, the Observer has emotional baggage.

As a Christian, I know already I have a price on me. That price is the Cross of Christ, He who suffered, died and was raised to redeem me from sin and death. The knowledge of that is secure in my mind---it took awhile, but I think I have it pretty well installed there. The problem is getting it to be secure in my heart, in my emotions. Sometimes, I realize my value fully and can step out in confidence, ready to go and do, and be successful, and if not fully successful, to deal with failure in a productive way. Other times, I doubt myself and my abilities completely, become anxious about failure and rejection and end up doing nothing. Doing nothing is not a good thing, if nothing is the only thing that gets done.

I can't really wait to be perfect any more. But somehow, just trying harder doesn't seem to be the answer either. I'm thinking maybe just small steps would break the stalemate. That, and trusting God to show the way, to empower me, give me wisdom and help me overcome those who oppose me, trusting Him to know where I am supposed to be. Thankfully, I don't do this alone, as God's Holy Spirit is with me, as well as supportive brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thanks for reading.
The pensive Observer.

5 comments:

Ann T. said...

Dear The Observer,
You have people dropping by here in the same boat, I assure you. I am one.

You deserve to be happy. You are a good person. And good people frequently question themselves and find themselves wanting.

Make an alias mailbox if it's easier and write me. i have gained much from the letters of others and I will do my best to pay it back.
ann.t.hathaway@gmail.com

Take very good care,

Ann T.

peedee said...

Chin up sister, and keep pushing forward. You are one up on me in that you have a firm belief in your religion which has to give you much comfort.

I too have a cart full of emotional baggage dragging around behind me that I'm really just in the last 5 years or so learning to unpack and put away.

All I can do is keep trying to do better the next day. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back.

Anns right. You are a good person and deserve to be happy. In fact we all are, we just have to believe it.

the observer said...

Ann T and peedee:

Thank you so much for your support! I can't believe that after all these years I am *still* working on all this.

The Observer

Ann T. said...

Dear The Observer,
Ha! I said that to my shrink just today.
I said it to her last week too.
I was a basket case on Saturday, (fortunately nobody noticed). Today I am great. Why, why, why?

We are going to make it out of the whacky head ward,
Ann T.

the observer said...

Ann T:
I keep meaning to answer you but I just crack up laughing every time I read "whacky head ward".

Thanks so much for the support.

The Observer